Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it’s only good for wallowing in.
Katherine Mansfield
An honest regret for harm done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we shall seek (in recovery).
Bill Wilson, Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions
Hätte, hätte, Fahrradkette. („shoulda, coulda, woulda“)
Stephen Little
Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, „It might have been“.
Kurt Vonnegut
The seventies have just begun and today, as every weekday, we – Father, Mother and eight or nine children – gather around the table for lunch in our new spacious, yet crowded, home close to the city centre in Limerick, a once-robust, now run-down medieval city on the banks of the majestic River Shannon, fifty miles upstream from the Atlantic Ocean. Heavy rain is driving up from the estuary, no doubt, as is the case most days.
With the fire burning in the breakfast room (the room used for all meals taken on weekdays, the finer dining room at the front of the house only ever used on Sundays, Feast days, and special occasions), and a bustle of activity next door in the steam-filled kitchen, my mind hones in on the sounds emanating, as usual, from the wireless radio up in the corner.
The Jacob’s Programme – „Dear Frankie….“ – was unique in that, between the short blocks of letters which Agony Aunt Frankie read out and her subsequent answers, Frankie played only songs sung by Frank Sinatra.
It was around this time that I became familiar with the following sentiments:
And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full
I travelled each and every highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way
Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention…
… I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried
I’ve had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way
Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows
I took the blows
And did it my way…..
„Regrets, I’ve had a few……“. I now wonder how this landed with the ten-year-old boy that I was then.
Today, I can clearly see how regrets can cause so much destruction for both those partaking of it and their loved ones close by.
I have been lucky to learn that even the most hopeless life can be turned around by following a programme of action on a daily basis. This programme was originally devised and articulated between 1935 and 1939 by the first hundred or so members of the fledgling fellowship now known as Alcoholics Anonymous. It was documented in the so-called Big Book of AA, first published in 1939.
The basic text of this book outlines the path of recovery in twelve explicit steps which could be summarised as follows: „Trust the Universe, Clean House, Help Others“.
It is the Twelfth Step that states that „having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these (first eleven) steps, we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.“
In following this vocation, even the worst of our past transgressions and the evil of others we have encountered can be transformed into fuel for not only our recovery but, with our encouragement and support, the recovery of others.
We meet in a non-hierarchal setting as fellow alcoholics who are invested in living a life of abstinence from alcohol, transcending the malady of addiction, and helping each other in healing from the wounds of childhood. The energy field we traverse together has been aptly called „the spirituality of imperfection“.
When we accept our imperfections as a natural human condition, when we make amends to those impacted by our behaviour, when we express daily gratitude for the even the basics – the gift of life, a roof over our heads, good food in the fridge, friends and family with whom we can now share all the vicissitudes of life – and when we begin to learn from past mistakes, the heavy burdens of the past – a combination of guilt, shame, regrets, resentments, worry, and anxiety – dissolve into thin air.
We then become free to enjoy the gifts of Emotional Sobriety.
The AA Promises, located in the text passages referring to the Ninth Step (where we complete the first iteration of clearing away the wreckage of the past), assure us that: „We will no longer regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it“. This becomes possible because we begin to see how our past – and how we have learned to deal with it – can benefit others just as we have benefited from the past experience and genuine compassion of our fellows in recovery.
A second modality though which the topic of regret can be viewed is the PQ (Positive Intelligence) Mental Fitness Programme, developed over the past ten years by Stanford Lecturer Shirzad Chamine in Silicon Valley.
This modality notes that while pain is integral to the Human Condition, suffering is entirely optional. If we can learn to deal with the vagaries of life in an accepting, life-affirming, and loving manner, we will no longer generate suffering.
However, when we are in the grip of our fear-fuelled Saboteurs, we inevitably take up a stance of resistance to „what is“.
This stance keeps us in the past or the future (or constantly oscillating between these extremes) making it impossible to simply be in the present moment. Living like this is like driving with the handbrake on. It drains huge amounts of energy while dragging us down, spiritually, emotionally, and operationally.
The resistance to „what is“, with reference to the past is called „regret“. Just like resistance to what is in the present (denial) or future (anxiety) it is a fools’ game which only robs us of our vitality, creativity, and enthusiasm. We get nothing in return but more suffering.
In PQ, we learn to identify and intercept our Saboteurs, – in this case the Judge – and shift into the love-infused Powers of the Sage. These comprise:
„Compassion“ (or „Empathise“); the love of self, others, and circumstances.
„Explore“; the love of discovery, of expanding our scope of experiencing the endless abundance and opportunities of life.
„Innovate“; the love of new ideas and breaking new ground.
„Navigate“; the love of purpose and deeply held values, – and aligning our thoughts, emotions, and actions with these values.
And „Activate“; the love of moving from thinking and feeling into taking action, while guided by the Powers of Sage. We move through life drawn by love rather than being driven by fear.
These five Sage Powers are available to us in the context of the „Sage Perspective“ which states that: „Every occurrence in life contains gifts and opportunities“. This is true even of the things we would normally regret in our not-so-normal culture.
Think back on some of the things you experienced at the time, as disasters but which now, in hindsight, appear to be „blessings in disguise“. For addicts, it is often the point where life fell apart, when we “ hit bottom“, as we put it.
Or it could be the loss of a loved one which woke us up to the preciousness of every single new day. The demise of a marriage which propelled us out of destructive old patterns and encouraged us to go deeper to transcend childhood trauma, thereby preparing us for more healthy relationships. The accident which woke us up to the fact that having a bucket list is a lot less valuable than living our bucket list. The list could be extended ad infinitum.
At the end of our days, the main thing people regret is that they didn’t live boldly enough, that they didn’t invest enough of their heart, didn’t love enough. Nothing else really counts.
This is why spiritual development (otherwise referred to as „self-actualisation“ or „Mental Fitness“) is so valuable and important for the living of a good life. We learn, on the basis of daily practice, to live in the present moment. It is only in the present moment that life can truly be lived. As we say in Ireland, „There’s no time like the present“.
Regrets are an arch enemy of vitality and all that belongs to a life well lived. By becoming aware of our patterns in this respect, we can shed a mighty burden and move onward in ease and flow while fully embracing imperfection.
Mine, yours, and life’s in general.
