David Richo, a contemporary Californian psychotherapist, teacher and writer, has been an important influence in my life for the past twenty years.
His 1997 Tour de Force bears the title: `When Love Meets Fear´. It was the sub-title of this book however that really intrigued me. It read: `How to Become Defence-less and Resource-full´.
`Why would anybody in their right mind want to become defenceless?´ I wondered. While no stranger to counter-intuitive concepts, my thinking still had considerable difficulties with this concept.
In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, first published in 1939 and generally recognised as the twentieth century’s blueprint for recovery from addiction, we are told that; `at certain times, the alcoholic will have no defence against that first drink´. It goes on to tell us, however, not to despair, that even in the light of this defencelessness we have a solution, built around the resources we discover and learn to use while grasping, developing, and eventually living the recovery programme of the Twelve Steps.
The first half of my life was an attempt to run the show on self-will. The key `resources´ at my disposal during those years included will-power, ambition, obstinacy, the ability to fight adversity, the need to prove my self, and a desire for approval.
Needless to say, this got me into a bundle of trouble. My mother, God bless her, used to plead that I couldn’t burn the candle at both ends. My silent, inner reply every time was: `Of course I can. Just watch me!´
In my early forties, I crashed and burned. I had been doing my best trying to navigate being a husband and father, hoping not to repeat some of the behaviours I had experienced as a child, and establishing a career in international management in an effort to prove that I could `make it´. This, and years of substance addiction had left me physically burned out, emotionally crippled and spiritually bankrupt. I had spent years fending off my daemons to no avail and now, well and truly beaten, knew that radical change was required, if I wished to stay alive.
I decided to get clean and sober and reached out for help. It was under these circumstances that I began to discover the resources which are so essential to my way of living today. The first came in the form of a question posed by my loving new partner when cracks began to appear in our relationship after the honeymoon period. One day she asked me; `what would be good for you right now Patrick?´
What a strange concept! It was not a question I had ever heard or learned to ask my self while growing up. Initially, I drew a blank, of course. How was I to know? But with time, practise and the loving-kindness of others, my ability to identify what was going on inside, and an intuition of what would be helpful to overcome the fears, anxieties, and anger, which I had succeeded in suppressing for so long, began to emerge. The good news is that I got my feelings back; the bad news was that I got my feelings back!
I learned the acronym HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. A simple technique to become familiar with and to practice the basics of self-care. This proved to be only the portal to a whole new array of resources, all opening up before me and available for deployment, should I wish to use them.
The simple idea of picking up a phone to talk to someone when I felt the pull of self-pity and isolation. Drinking sufficient quantities of water each day. Regular exercise; getting out for an hour every day, regardless of my mood or the weather. I never regretted doing so on arriving home afterwards. A healthy, balanced diet which suited my body. The opportunity to do service unto my fellows, which put paid to the false belief system which maintained that `I had nothing to offer´. The recognition of the choice that came with each new breath; the choice between a willingness to give or to continue in the old pattern of wanting to get, an unsatiable appetite designed to serve yet another need, this time based on the false belief in eternal lack and impoverishment.
These practical resources got me up and running; their application rekindled hope of a better life, one of purpose and meaning. `If you want self-esteem Patrick, ‘ I was told, `do esteemable things´. What wonderful, simple advice! And it proved to be true.
Of all the resources I discovered, one, above all, proved invaluable; that of sitting in silence, connecting into what I call the Great Spirit. Other names commonly used are Higher Self, Higher Power, or God. The idea is that the energy frequencies of the `self´, that aspect of us associated with our earthly, mortal manifestation, the ego, are insufficient when it comes to dealing with life’s major issues; the `big points´ of love, loss, sickness, death, and eternity. Kicking addictive habits belongs in this category also. It is only by tapping into the higher energies – in the Hindu tradition, one refers to the `Self´ – that we gain access to the power required to break free of the bondage of addiction, indeed of all the daemons of the human condition.
The `resource´ in this case is the realisation that, while we are the builders of our lives, we are not the architect. We begin to learn to live life on life’s terms, no longer insisting that the world operate according to our private desires and requirements. We learn to be `in the world, but not of it´, as the great prophet taught. I can now go about my affairs doing the required footwork, well aware of the fact that the outcomes lie beyond my remit. However things turn out, that is what I accept and deal with. `It is what it is´ is a very wise statement.
In order to maintain this state of connection to the higher energies while remaining well grounded in my daily affairs, I need to sit in silence at the beginning of each day. At first this felt more like a chore; with practice it became easier, even enjoyable. Now this hour is my favourite part of the day. It yields a priceless harvest, that of tranquillity, equanimity, even `peace of mind´. Like any crops, these needs to be continuously cultivated, one day at a time. This resource is central to my recovery, my sobriety and the fruitful, enjoyable life which has been unfolding over the years.
Finally, there is the practice of `paying forward´. In contrast to repayment, such as in commercial transactions, I have learned that it is essential to offer my experience, strength, and hope to the next generation of those who need it, just as it was (and is) freely given me. Herein lies the concept of service. `It is in giving that we receive’ runs a line in the prayer attributed to St. Francis. Only those who have had experience of this can really grasp its truth. It runs counter to all the ideas of the ego. Its source obviously lies beyond.
From today´s vantage point I can now appreciate why resourcefulness is preferable to defence. What I resist persists; what I embrace and cultivate thrives.
So when those days come where there is no defence against that first drink (or today’s corresponding temptation), I simply take a few deep breaths, apply the resources in my extensive toolset, and feel a deep sense of gratitude for the blessings of this new life .
