A miracle is the shift from fear to love.
Marianne Williamson, A return to Love
Lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
A story with a middle only.
Paul Durcan, Irish Poet
The truth we do not tell is that men are longing for love.
Bell Hooks, The Will To Change
My media feed this week included a piece entitled: „You can spot a man who never felt safe as a boy by these seven behaviours.“
My first response was that it might not be exclusive to the male gender. After all, many of the people I have spoken to and worked with over the years – men and women – have shared with me that they did not feel „safe“ in their early childhood environment.
Furthermore, the phrase „who never felt safe“ is somewhat misleading. My experience is that it is the aggregate over the first years of childhood that really counts. There may have been moments of warm intimacy, safety, and sanctuary, yet these may have occurred in an overall context of emotional danger, an absence of safe space, or even outright abuse – either physical, emotional, or spiritual.
In this light, I would like to explore some of the traits I developed in early childhood. I have learned that all our old patterns are worthy of ongoing appraisal, with the question in mind as to whether they are still serving me in my life today, and, if so, in what way.
In this process, it has become clear to me that the life-jacket I donned at the age of four, while it did secure my survival (for which I will always be most grateful) is now the same one that threatens to asphyxiate me at the age of thirty-four, forty-four, fifty-four, or even sixty-four.
I now get the opportunity to peel it off, layer by layer, as recovery and healing progress. As long as this process is neglected, peace of mind will remain beyond reach.
So, here we go!
1. He reads the room before he speaks. Tone shifts. Facial expressions. Someone’s mood changing. He notices it instantly. As a boy he learned to scan for tension before opening his mouth because saying the wrong thing could turn the whole room against him. (Hyper-vigilance)
This is very familiar to me. I do have a gift of ultra-sensitivity, which enables me to tune into the emotional and spiritual energies of a person or any group of people I encounter, as soon as I walk into the room. While the description above could well be described as „walking on eggshells“ – something that was integral to my childhood experience – this is no longer the case.
With capacity for self care and a modicum of Mental Fitness, I can now relinquish the Hyper-Vigilance, while retaining the ability to „tune in“. This, in turn, when combined with compassion and true exploration, assists me in making real connections to self and the people around me.
2. He stays calm in chaos… but it’s not peace. People say he’s good under pressure. Nothing seems to shake him. What they don’t see is the nervous system that grew up around unpredictability and learned to stay switched on all the time. (Dissociation/Fawning)
Oh yes! This was me. The first nickname given me was „Paddy Last“, because I was (apparently) always daydreaming and straggling behind. My adult caregivers were exasperated that things took me so long, things like tying shoelaces or getting messages from the shops.
This was because I had a could have – and often did have – a hundred thousand adventures with imaginary creatures, insects, streams, and even plants as I went about my tasks. Even the clouds (there were many opportunities in Ireland for this one!) turned into imaginative creatures which would battle things out on my ten-minute walk back from primary school.
So, with these first two points, we already have a child who was simultaneously switched on and zoned out. Not everybody can do that!
I have rediscovered the treasures of „Paddy Last Mode“ later in life, which anybody who goes walking with me well knows. I go on Photo Safaris which yield the most amazing pictures, pictures which no one else sees. This creativity extends to other activities such as singing, dancing, drumming, writing, cooking, baking, and many more.
One note on fawning: It is not simply the People Pleaser Saboteur, though this may be a subset. The best metaphor for fawning is the chameleon. This creature can blend in with the ever-changing surroundings. Sometimes to hide for protection, sometimes to create bonds. When fuelled by fear, as in my childhood, this can lead to the sacrificing of the „True Self“, which is then replaced by the „False self“, the one we believe others would accept or appreciate more. In trying to keep others is a safe zone (for our purposes), we tend to lose ourselves.
Once the shift from fear to love has been initiated, as will happen in recovery – supported by a daily Mental Fitness practice – the capacity can be employed to meet people where they happen to be, regardless of age, gender, cultural background, etc. This is a very valuable trait for anyone who is called to working with people of all ages in the international context.
3. He keeps most of what he feels to himself. Not because he has nothing going on. Because as a boy showing fear, anger, sadness, or confusion usually made things worse instead of better. (Tuning out)
We can’t heal what we don’t feel! For many decades I suppressed my genuine feelings (from terror, fear, anxiety, and grief – on the one hand – to ecstasy, true joy, and exuberance – on the other) and replaced them with feelings generated by self-medication.
Alcohol, weed, other drugs, work, sex, gambling; – you name it – if it generated the feelings I wanted, I did it. The trouble is that the high was always ephemeral and the come down all the more abrupt. It is a losers’ game which becomes a self-perpetuating downward spiral.
Only when I quit drinking and drugging in 2003 did the possibility of recovery and healing open up. Abstinence is not the ultimate goal in itself, but the portal to a journey towards Emotional Sobriety and peace of mind. It is important to state that abstinence is the foundation upon which healing and development towards full potential can unfold. For addicts, no abstinence means no healing!
4. He assumes he has to handle things alone. Something goes wrong and his brain doesn’t reach for support. It jumps straight to problem solving. Because growing up, backup wasn’t guaranteed. (Hyper self-reliance)
I have heard this called „Hyper-independence“. Every person I have met who has experienced developmental trauma displays this characteristic. We learn that nothing and nobody can be trusted. Not because we are crazy, but on the basis of our real experience in the first five years of life.
At some point, we decide that we need to do everything ourselves, never relying on others. The first break with this default pattern of mine came in 2003 when I knocked on the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous and asked for help. Desperation, utter loneliness, and the real prospect of an early death can be great motivators to jolt us out of our destructive comfort zones!
5. He struggles to relax even when life is going well. Everything can be fine on paper. Still, part of him stays alert. Like the ground could shift at any moment. (Hyper-vigilance)
When I’m working towards a goal, I am anxious that I might not make it. When the goal is achieved, I am afraid that the bounty thus secured will be lost. You can’t win this game.
In recovery, I discover that my job is not to manage life (Step 1: We admitted that life was „unmanageable“…) but rather to navigate it. I cannot determine the weather, and I can learn to ride the waves.
After a period of abstinence, trust is re-established, trust in self, in others, and in circumstances. Then, instead of pushing towards my goals I can behave in ways that create a „pull“. This is one of the major tenants of Positive Intelligence (PQ), the Mental Fitness modality I have been practising daily now for over four years. In the somewhat antiquated vernacular of the Twelve Steps, this is called: „Attraction rather than Promotion“.
6. He’s careful about trusting people emotionally. Friendship and loyalty matter a lot to him. But letting someone see the deeper stuff takes time. Experience taught him that not everyone handles that well. (Avoidant Attachment/Emotional Guarding)
„In to me see.“ True intimacy is one of the greatest challenges for me. As with all of the new behaviours, it gets easier with practice, that is daily practice. For any transformation process – if it is to be successful and sustained over time – is made up of 20% insights and 80% practice. That is the key. And remember is not true that: „Practice make perfect“ (for that is the Judge Saboteur coming in through the back door again,) but rather that „Practice makes for progress.“
I have discovered that true intimacy begins with the internal relationship to the Inner Child and to Self. In the Sant Mat tradition of the Sikhs, Self – written with a capital S – is representative of the „Spark of the Divine“ that resides within each and every one of us. Higher Power, Great Spirit, Gaia, etc. is not some external entity but the wise, love-propelled energies of Sage, the omniscient energies which are inherent in our Being.
The Inner Child is that part of us that has been waiting for the „Loving Parent“ who never materialised in childhood. This is not to say that my parents we not loving. On the contrary, they gave their all for their children. They were, themselves, needy, due to the fact that they never got what every child needs in order to thrive emotionally and develop the capacity to abandon themselves in love and trust to the Universe. My dear parents – long moved on from this incarnation – could not pass on what they didn’t have. I am deeply indebted to them for showing me how to „try my best“, whatever the circumstances.
That job of the „Loving Parent“ is now mine, should I choose to accept it.
Despite what my rational mind would like me to believe; I live in an echo chamber of the unfinished business of my childhood wounding. What I judge to be the problems of today only appear to be so. They are, in fact, signposts pointing within – beckoning me to address the unhealed wounds of childhood. As my friend and teacher Dr Allen Berger states: „The problem is never the problem.“
I can now discern changes in mood as the stirrings of the Inner Child. There may have been some occurrence yesterday that has activated the old hidden wounds, ripped the scab off, so to say.
Panic, perhaps, or a drive to confront aggressively in order to protect. As described above, when I am aware of these dynamics, I can reflect before deciding to react or to respond. The more I learn to respond, the more „responsible“ I become.
7. His strength came from learning to endure things alone. People see independence. What they don’t see is the boy who had to become strong earlier than he should have. (Parentification/Early emotional burdening)
The grief of a lost childhood, a childhood spent looking after younger siblings, of peeling potatoes for twelve – alone in a drab kitchen – of acting as the emotional crutch of my overwhelmed and often severely depressed mother, of attempting to become invisible to my angry and sometimes sadistic father, of escaping the bullying – at home and at school.
This grief has been pouring out of me these past few years. And with that grief, has grown the capacity to play, to be carefree, to sing and to dance and to drum to my heart’s content. That is how this awesome unfurling of recovery, healing, and thriving blossoms.
Today is, indeed, a great day to be alive!
