The definition of expansion of consciousness? You get to know yourself better!
Ron E
Resentment is like drinking a poison and then waiting for the other person to die.
Carrie Fischer, heard in AA
Q. How do you know the difference between a genuine request and a demand?
A. In the reaction of the petitioner when it is refused.
Marshall Rosenberg, Non-Violent Communication
My ongoing recovery from alcoholism (`recovery´ is a concept which would have been categorised as pure fantasy a mere century ago), owes most to the Twelve Step Programme set down by the first one hundred members of Alcoholics Anonymous in the so-called `Big Book´ first published in 1939.
The fourth of these steps is worded as follows: `We made a fearless and thorough moral inventory of ourselves´. This is where most of us, as newcomers, would have liked to simply stand up and walk out. Only, we knew that all other options had run out. That is what got us into the rooms of AA in the first place.
The concept of taking inventory was not new to me. In fact, I had spent much time and energy in taking inventory, other people’s inventory! I had a pretty good idea of what was wrong with you, others, and the world in general. The idea of doing an inventory of my own thought patterns, belief systems, and behaviours had never crossed my mind before I came to Step Four.
In 2004, I wrote my first Fourth Step inventory. My sponsor suggested I use the Big Book as the guide.
First column: against whom do I harbour resentments?
Second column: what happened?
Third column: which area of `self´ is affected?
Seven possibilities are listed to help the us in this third column exploration. These are; pride, self-esteem, personal and sex relations, ambitions, security, and pocketbook (€$€). The Big Book does not explicitly explain the significance of the results, or provide instructions as to what to do with this information, once gathered.
I certainly found the Fourth Step inventory very effective, especially as the suggestions on empathy and forgiveness on the subsequent pages proved largely effective in dampening down most resentments, at least for the time being.
However, until I recognised the patterns which emerged in the third column and grasped how to deal with this key information, it was inevitable that I would continue to cultivate new resentments and inevitably be hijacked by the older ingrained ones..
My sponsor used a simple analogy to help me in this process. He said that deep down in the dark basement our psyches we all have a `resentment generation machine´. It looks a bit like the scanners through which we put our luggage at any airport. There is a conveyer belt which kicks into action as soon as we place something on it, and the machine does the rest. If we desist from placing any material on the conveyer belt, there will be no resentments.
Since the Big Book tells us that resentments are the Number One foe of every alcoholic, this would appear to be very important information. Only when I got to grips with this third column and what it means, did I learn how to adjust my attitudes such that incidents, real or imagined, would not make it onto the conveyer belt in the first place.
Basically, when I am upset, my demands,- often camouflaged as kindly requests, – have not been met. Essentially, I have relapsed into the attitude of `Playing God´. Those demands can be seen as a design for how the world should operate, – according to Patrick, that is.
That design, in turn, can be summarised into these seven areas.
- What others think of me (pride)
If I’m judgemental about my boss for exploding over flaws in my work, my pride is affected: I want everyone to think I’m perfect at my job, the best there is. - Who I think I am (self-esteem)
If I’m disappointed at my young child for not following suggestions, my self-esteem is affected: If I were a better father, she would have followed my instructions. I have failed. - Personal relationships (how others behave)
If I’m resentful that a friend complains endlessly about the state of the world on the phone, my personal relations are affected: Don’t waste my time with your toxic outpourings! - Sex relations (how others behave in the sexual arena)
If I’m distraught because someone I like won’t sleep with me, my sex relations are affected: If I want you, you must want me back, even more than I want you! - Ambitions (what I want, my dreams)
If I’m envious because a friend gets the latest electric vehicle, my ambitions are affected: I want to be a conspicuous climate-conscious trend-setter but can’t afford the car. - Security (what I believe I need)
If I am upset because it has been raining all day again, my security is affected: I need somewhere warm to live, so I can spend my days out of doors and function properly in my life. - Pocketbook (my financial security)
If I’m furious because someone put a dent in my car last weekend in Berlin and this effects its safe operation , my pocketbook is affected: I work hard for my money and should not have to spend a penny more than absolutely necessary.
It’s clear that from engaging in such attitudes that I have an abundance of demands, which are largely nonsensical. The more demands I have, the unhappier I will be. If I want to be happy, I have to drop the demands.
When I have a resentment, therefore, I can use it to find out what my design for the world is, in other words, how I have been playing God, as in the examples above. It is God, – however we each understand the concept of God, – the Universe, or the Great Spirit who determines outcomes, not me. While I am the builder of my life, the remit of the architect lies beyond my remit. Getting these roles confused gets my `resentment generation machine´ cranked up into action.
Furthermore, when I take a closer look at the demands I am making, I often see that there is a good deal of generalisation, interpretation, speculation, and extrapolation in there. This amounts to a very distorted perception of reality. Using the framework of PQ (Positive Intelligence) Mental Fitness, I can identify the Saboteurs at play and take the wind out of their sails by recognising their lies.
The Judge says that the ingredients of my current situation are insufficient to deliver happiness. In other words: `I’ll be happy when….´
The Controller says: `Either I am in full control, or out of control´, ignoring the many shades of grey between the black and the white.
The Victim says that: `The world is out to get me, that I am the only one suffering, a fate that I do not deserve´.
The list could be continued to cover the remaining seven Saboteur types. To ascertain the relative strength of your Saboteurs, click here (free Saboteur Assessment, Discover Your Saboteurs). The remedy is to intercept the Saboteurs (Saboteur Interceptor muscle), the switch to the Sage mode by means of the Mind Command muscle, and to shift to the Sage Perspective (every circumstance contains a gift and opportunity) from which I can deploy the Sage Powers of Empathise, Explore, Innovate, Navigate, and Activate (Sage Enhancer muscle). Note the simplicity of the Mental Fitness Programme which requires the training of only three muscles.
The application of the Sage Powers will help me overcome three core attitudes which have been keeping me stuck in my misery.
Ingratitude—focusing solely on the one or two things that have gone horribly wrong and ignoring the ninety-eight or ninety-nine that are going perfectly well.
Discouragement—not trusting that God will give me the resources (both directly and through the intercession of people in my life) to cope in the moment with whatever transpires.
Entitlement—the sense that bad things may happen to others, but not to me.
By fostering gratitude for all the things that are indeed going well, courage that God will look after me, and acceptance that pain is part of life, and that we are no more exempt than anyone else, even when ’seemingly‘ bad events occur, the suffering can be eradicated, leaving only the pain of the human condition, which we can learn to handle with self-care.
The inventory teaches me that while pain is inevitable, suffering is voluntary, and goes on to show me what I need to change in order to avoid causing further suffering for myself and others.
