It is the circulation of life that makes the difference. When the tide is out, we sometimes see a boat stranded, unable to move, but we know that this condition is only temporary because the tide always comes back and refloats the boat. As long as……your soul is open to tidal water, and even if you should seemingly be left high and dry for a period, it is only a question of time before the living ocean will float you off once more.
Emmet Fox
The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life…
.…….
Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
John O’Donohue: `For One Who Is Exhausted, a Blessing´
Keep your soul flooded with the tidal waters of eternal life and… nothing shall by any means hurt you.
Luke 10:19
The rupture of a long-standing relationship can be greatly challenging even at the best of times. Since every relationship is a `mixed bag´ of emotions and experiences, the absence of all that was good; the shared everyday joys, the laughter, the `in-to-me-see´ moments of intimacy, the tenderness of touch, and the shared vibrant affirmation of life – where once these filled hours and days, there is now only famishment.
My Victim Saboteur seizes its opportunity, first thing in the morning, when I wake up. `So this is it, this is how you will begin the rest of your days, alone and not mattering´, it whispers into my ear. The ability to identify and intercept that voice, accept, indeed embrace its existence, and recognise it for what it is, namely a phantom with a comprehensible nascency, is key to a sober start to the day.
A brief mental gratitude list, a few deep breaths, and any exercises which pull my focus from my mind to my body, and therefore into the present moment, help me cross the threshold from Saboteur to Sage. I engage with my Saboteur in a kindly manner, acknowledging its presence and politely declining to take the bait. Empathy begins to emerge for the lonely hurt child that lies beneath the surface. It is to this aspect of self that my attention now turns.
There is the five-year-old standing alone in the wide deserted street of the housing estate in Corbally, Limerick, with the sound of the enthusiastic cackle of a happy gang drifting faintly from the distant woods, wondering why `nobody will play with me´. I now feel that sense of alienation and forlornness in the pit of my stomach.
Then, zooming further in, there is the much younger boy, yet an infant, bewildered and consternated by the fact that the warm embrace of the mother continues to remain denied him. Convinced that this must be proof that he doesn’t matter, this frangible being has no way of processing the state in which he finds himself. Zooming out, disconnecting all cords to the inner network of feelings, is the only viable option.
Back to the bedroom, now filling up with the bright sunlight from the newly risen star. The slower time of the process of breathing has replaced the frantic pace of the fretting mind. It dawns on my that nothing can be done to eradicate those past experiences. There is the possibility of me giving the inner child that which he needs right now. For that is the right thing to do. Ego may protest at the notion of having to do this my self; resentment, pride, and anger may be at play here. My higher self, the `Sage´, knows that the present moment is all there is, and all that is needed to forgive, to empathise, and to heal.
The infant was not then equipped to recognise the possibility of atonement (at-one-ment), the state of realisation that we are ever and always connected to the source and manifestation of all Creation. That is something, though already innate, we get to consciously learn in late adolescence, if we are lucky. Otherwise, we are presented a second opportunity later in life, after we have crashed and burned, as so many of us do, when we confuse roles and begin to behave as if we were the architects of our lives rather than simply the builders.
I took `control´ of my life precisely in order to be spared more of those unbearable experiences. It is a behavioural pattern which taught me much about how to overcome the obstacles of life in terms of operations. The downside was the suppression of emotions, the inadvertent denial of my connectedness in realms both visible and unseen, and the ever-increasing alienation and isolation from self and others. What a cruel development! The strategy applied to develop a sense of belonging led ultimately to the exact opposite, eternal longing.
After I crashed and burned in my early forties, a process of healing and deep learning began. This was the school of practice rather than the comfort zone of theory and intellectual debates (internal and shared). My friends taught me to `do the next right thing´, to `trust God, clean house, and help others´.
The God business did not present an insurmountable barrier to me as my understanding had already developed to the point that `God infuses every manifestation of life; a God within, a construct which represents boundless, unconditional love´. My preferred terms include `The Universe´ and `Great Spirit´.
The trouble is that we forget. Meister Eckhart said that `if we wake up some day and find a chasm between us and God, we can be sure that we are the ones who have moved away.´ My guess is that our forgetting is a result of the pattern of `taking control´ which, repeated often enough, becomes a deeply ingrained reflex. That is, therefore, a key part of the daily practice of awakening; working to disempower this reflex and replace it with a more loving, conscious response to any given situation. In my case, most of this practice takes place in the hours of silence. Cultivating silence for prayer, meditation, and contemplation is now central to my peace of mind.
Recalling the image of the boat stranded at low tide, I zoom out and recognise the inevitability of the next hight tide, which will refloat my boat and send me out onto the high seas, as the Great Spirit sees fit. My ego returns, for now, to its given role of simple sailor, leaving the captain’s business to the captain. Of course, in line with its inherent nature, it will be only a matter of time before it returns to the bridge and attempts once again to grab control of the rudder. Ergo daily practice, one day at a time.
