To know that you do not know is the best.
To think you know when you do not is a disease.
Recognising this disease as a disease is to be free of it.
Lao Tzu
The way you see people is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they become.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
When someone encourages you, that person helps you over a threshold you might otherwise never have crossed on your own. There are times of great uncertainty in every life. Left alone at such a time, you feel dishevelment and confusion like gravity. When a friend comes with words of encouragement, a light and lightness visit you and you begin to find the stairs and the door out of the dark. The sense of encouragement you feel from the friend is not simply her words or gestures; it is rather her whole presence enfolding you and helping you find the concealed door. The encouraging presence manages to understand you and put herself in your shoes. There is no judgement but words of relief and release.
John O’Donohue, Eternal Echoes
Courage implies firmness of mind and will in the face of danger or extreme difficulty…
Merriam Webster Online Dictionary
It is always with a sense of wonder that I trace the roots of words. This discipline – referred to as etymology – has been part of my exploration of the world since the advent of adulthood. Having recently emigrated from Ireland to Germany, my first occupation in my early twenties involved teaching English and German to motivated adults who needed better language skills in order to progress in their careers. It was not only a privilege and an apprenticeship: it also became a source of joy and learning for me.
I delighted to discover that the words „cor“ and „coer“ (Latin and French: „heart“) give us the words „courage“ and „encouragement“ in English, and that the usage goes back at least 700 years. It is of particular interest to see how emphasis has, at least on the superficial level, shifted over time. „Firmness of mind and will,“ taken at face value, may imply a mastery of cognition. In the bigger picture, however, we see that it is built upon our capacity to tune into and listen to our hearts. This nuance is often overlooked in modern usage.
The heart, in contrast to the analytical mind of dualities, linear thinking, and „cause and effect“, is a place where paradox and mystery reside. Courageous action does not necessarily make sense. If we were to follow our rational guidance only, many a courageous act would never see the light of day. That is what makes courage so vibrant and wondrous.
It pops up in the Serenity Prayer where we ask the Great Spirit to: „grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.“
It is the final part of that invocation that is the trickiest. This doubtless has to do with our often-underdeveloped capacity to tune into, really listen to, and follow the guidance of the heart – in a world which is dominated by left-brain values and dynamics.
The brain’s right and left hemispheres are responsible for different types of cognitive functions, often referred to as „lateralisation“ of brain function. This is, of course, an approximation. No functions are purely right- or left-brain driven.
The left hemisphere is typically associated with logic, language, analytical thinking, and scouring our environment for any possible danger. Duality, deduction, and „cause and effect“ are major ingredients of the left hemisphere processes. Tasks involving verbal processing, such as reading, writing, and mathematical reasoning are carried out here. The many different regions of this hemisphere excel in sequential processing, filtering, and organising information in a linear, step-by-step manner, with the focus on fragments and details.
In contrast, the right hemisphere is linked to creativity, intuition, and spatial abilities. It is more adept at processing non-verbal information, such as visual and spatial content, and plays a significant role in recognising patterns, emotions, and holistic thinking. In this sense, we could say the right hemisphere is more influenced by matters of the heart.
The modus operandi of this hemisphere is parallel processing, where the big picture is assembled as a collage by means of abstract, imaginative thinking.
While this distribution of function exists to a high degree, both hemispheres work together for most tasks, with each complementing the other to create a unified experience.
Using this approximation in the Positive Intelligence (PQ) Mental Fitness modality, we postulate that the fear-driven Saboteurs (Judge, Controller, Pleaser, Hyper-Vigilant, etc.) reside in the left hemisphere, and that the love-propelled Sage Powers (Compassion, Exploration, Navigation, etc.) are located in the right hemisphere. A neural shift is required if we are to move from Saboteur to Sage.
This shift is enabled by the Mind Command muscle, which is activated and strengthened by daily on-going short bursts of somatic and imaginative exercises, many no longer than two minutes each.
These so-called „PQ Reps“ represent a circuit-breaker of our incessant thinking. Called „Stinking Thinking“ in some quarters, this habit keeps us either in the past or the future, or alternating continuously between the two.
Yesterday’s conversation that didn’t go well, replayed again and again, or the anxiety of that meeting with my demanding boss next week, rehearsal after rehearsal. The end effect of this stinking thinking is that we are seldom fully engaged – in body, mind, and spirit – in the present moment.
It is only in the present moment, however, that we can make this shift from Saboteur to Sage, to exercise, as Viktor Frankl so eloquently points out, our „freedom to choose our response to whatever stimuli register with us.“
We thus move from „reactivity“ (the mode of the Saboteurs) to „response-ability“ (the mode of Sage). This, in a nutshell, is what the cultivation of Mental (or Spiritual) Fitness and Emotional Sobriety is all about.
Another factor in this dynamic is the effect of developmental or childhood trauma (complex PTSD) on our autonomic nervous system. People who have experienced trauma develop reactions which, over time, become impulsive and, over time, compulsive. The impulse to strike first, to disappear into the woodwork, to get the hell out of here.
These coping strategies from childhood may become so ingrained in our neural networks, that a somatic reaction occurs long before cognition can take place, a reaction that pushes us even further into Saboteur mode. Polyvagal Theory has shone much light on this topic over the past two decades.
Clinical research demonstrates that modalities such as PQ can help us reach a state of general calm such that we become willing and able to allow the – hitherto suppressed – grief and pain of childhood to rise to the surface of our psyches, be acknowledged, and transcended.
It is wise to avail of the support of an experienced professional when processing trauma of any kind. Our capacity to be present in the „here and now“ is directly related to the degree to which we have healed from childhood trauma. I suspect that this healing, in my case, is a lifelong process.
It is also true that the melody of the heart can be clearly discerned only when we are in the present moment. Others refer to this as „Intuition“, „Sixth Sense“, „Higher Power”, or the „Spark of the Divine.“ Whatever we call it, it is critical that we cultivate our ability to access, really listen to, and follow the direction of our hearts.
Which brings us to encouragement. I have experienced the grace of encouragement from unlikely quarters throughout my entire life. The paradox here is that the „encourager“ does not even need to be in a good place (in terms of life’s circumstances) in order to be able to bestow encouragement.
The nuns who ran the first school I attended (from age four to seven) provided encouragement in abundance, mainly drawn from the adventures of Christ during his ministry. Stories such as the woman who touched the hem of his robe, his encounter with the lepers, the man beside the Pool at Bethesda, etc. These stories continue to inspire me even today..
The mothers of some of my primary school friends were wellsprings of warmth and encouragement for me when there was very little of either quality to be found in my own home.
Certain teachers in my teen years taught more from the heart than from the head. One, who was responsible for the subject of „Technical Drawing“ – hardy an epicentre of emotions – nevertheless found a way to connect with me which left me feeling seen, gifted, cherished, and confident.
Another was a deep-thinking Jesuit, an English teacher, whose encouragement of my first essays still nourishes my writing practice today.
My chosen „new siblings“ later in life, after I had emigrated as a young man (boy?) and was rudderless for some time. Werner, sadly gone way to early, who surrounded me with laughter, piano music, and bathed us in the harmonies of Simon and Garfunkel. I knew that it gave him pleasure to be in my presence. That’s top-notch encouragement. The pleasure was mutual.
And later, when I hit bottom, the Twelve Step Troupers who shared their experience, strength, hope, and encouragement with me at a time when everything appeared futile and doomed.
The encouragement sometimes came in the form of words, more often simply through example. I have witnessed people face seemingly insurmountable challenges with fortitude and open hearts. Parents who lost their children through overdose, women who had been raped within their own families over years, refugees who had lost everything and still had the courage to start over again. And again and again, if necessary.
As the great Irish mystic of the 20th century, John O’Donohue, points out, there is a component to encouragement beyond words and actions. It is rather her whole presence enfolding you and helping you find the concealed door. Again, we see the role of presence in the imparting of this great gift.
Then there is the Zen story – one of my favourites – of the sadhu (pupil) having a difficult day, searching out the Master for some form of consolation. Having traversed the barren landscape in the hot sun for many hours, he finally sees in the distance, the encampment he had been seeking.
On dismounting his camel, he is welcomed by the attendants and ushered into the Master’s tent where he is greeted with a warm embrace, a smile, and fresh peppermint tea.
Having settled down somewhat, he begins to pour out his distress: „Master“ he says, „I feel so discouraged today, I do not know what to do.“
After a brief silence, the Master, with love glowing through his eyes, replies: „Go out, dear Fellow, and encourage three people today!“
