If we can’t feel it, we can’t heal it.
Edith Eger
The problem is never the problem.
Dr Allen Berger
Great Spirit!
Grant me the
Serenity
To accept the people I cannot change
Courage
To change the people I can, and
Wisdom
To know that
That person is me.
ACA Serenity Prayer
The following transpired recently.
The February full moon coincided with the manifestation of abundance in many realms of my life. The relationships with my adult children are warm and deep, marked by love, gratitude, mutual trust, and appreciation.
My home on the River Rhein between Bonn and Cologne, has become even more welcoming and warm. Last year’s indecision of „should I stay or should I go?“ has been replaced by a deep sense of belonging and gratitude for such a beautiful dwelling and a commitment to staying put until an alternative in warmer climes, within walking distance of the ocean, has materialised as affordable and feasible.
Even the river poured forth in abundance, rising from its normal level of around 2.5 metres to 7 metres, as it carried the melting snows from the mountains and the product of weeks-long sustained precipitation from the plains in my old homeland in Northern Bavaria and beyond. Such a flood is a demonstration of the powers of the gods. It has to be seen to be believed.
The communities to which I belong are thriving, each in its own way. Sometimes two steps backward then one step forward, yet all unfurling in the direction of healing, growth, and service unto humankind.
On the business front, several projects have begun taking shape such that a long period of financial insecurity appeared to be coming to an end. It is such a relief not to have to turn over every penny several times before engaging in acts of discretionary spending.
Then, to my surprise, with the moon’s waning picking up speed, a few setbacks occurred which jolted me out of my mood of calm optimism. That jolt, and how I have been dealing with it, has inspired me to write on the subject of „panic“ today.
But first an old story: This one is about a person who, in a moment of inattention, gets bitten by a snake. This was a real shock, as you can imagine, and frightening, as the poison began to spread into his ankle and up through the leg.
The victim in question was a man with a very keen sense of analytical focus. He was good at solving problems. So, instead of tending to the wound, instead of tying a tourniquet to stop the bleeding, instead of drawing out the venom, he began to chase down the snake.
He wanted answers. „Snake, why did you bite me?“ „What did I do to deserve this?“ „Don’t you see who I am?“ „How could you have dared to do that?“
He spent all his time and energy trying to make sense of the incident, trying to change the nature of the snake, trying to rewind and achieve a different outcome, attempting to convince the snake to become something it could never be.
Meanwhile… the poison continued to spread beyond the pelvis, into the upper body, towards the organs, the heart, and the brain.
How many of us have done this in our own lives? We get hurt, betrayed, lied to, or abandoned, and instead of healing, we obsess on the apparent cause of our suffering.
We replay conversations. We wait for apologies that may never come. We try to explain ourselves to people who have already shown us they could never truly listen. We pour our energy into understanding the one who hurt us (so we can better manipulate their thoughts, feelings, and actions) instead of caring for the part of us that has been wounded.
The truth is simple, even if uncomfortable: Some people bite because they are in the grip of their fear-driven Saboteurs. Systems driven by fear wound because that’s how they are designed. Some relationships poison us because we have stayed too long, hoping they would become something different.
You cannot heal in reactive mode; by chasing what hurt you. You cannot recover by begging a snake to have compassion, to undo the hurt of the past. My responsibility is not to change the snake. My responsibility is to heal myself, or at least, to open myself, unreservedly, to the healing powers of the Universe.
This involves awareness: Identifying and embracing the wound for what it is.
The next step is compassion: For self, for others – even the snake – and for life’s circumstances.
Then, having calmed ourselves sufficiently (self-regulation through grounding practices), we need to draw out the venom. Once that has been achieved, we can dress – address – the wound and give it the on-going attention and care it needs until it can heal and close.
We cannot heal what we cannot feel. Many of us learned to suppress our feelings in the early days of life. This was not for fun. It was a matter of survival. Those feelings were so unbearable that we needed an emergency exit. The problems arose when it transpired that all other doors gradually closed up so we were left with the emergency exits only.
We cannot suppress certain feelings and retain others. It doesn’t work that way. When we suppress distressing feelings (anxiety, fear, grief, sadness, sorrow, anger, even panic) the price we pay is our vitality. We experience a general deadening of our being.
In addition, they will come out sideways eventually: the unkind words or actions are inevitable and always cause even more hurt and suffering.
Many people, having suppressed their feelings, sleepwalk through life. That is why addictive dynamics, whether substance or behaviour-related, are so widespread. Addiction numbs the pain of the loss of vitality, in part by providing us with something that resembles vitality (quasi-vitality through self-medication) but produces exactly the opposite.
The excitement of falling in love once again, the high of winning that last bet, the physical arousal while watching porn, the hit from the joint or from the bottle, that last shopping spree; the list could be expanded ad infinitum.
All of these apparent sources of vitality are energy drains. The emptiness that follows the brief high leaves us feeling even more empty that before. So, we need another hit to erase that deeper sense of loneliness – and ensuing shame – …. This self-perpetuating spiral takes us in one direction only.
The feeling visited upon me one recent morning was a sense of panic. Very familiar to me from the first years of childhood, it was visceral and potent. I was transported back to a phase of my life when I experiences what we today call „panic attacks“ on a daily basis.
After over two decades in Twelve Step recovery and – concurrently – over four years of daily practice of the PQ (Positive Intelligence) Mental Fitness Programme, my mind is no longer in a sandstorm. Now that I have been consistently working on my mental (i.e., spiritual) fitness for so long, I am often able to identify in real time, the connection between current outer circumstances and the old „felt senses“ that bubble up from my childhood experience.
Back then it was a case of not being appreciated for the loving, trusting, innocent being that I am. „If I do it this way (e.g. in my attempt to garner affection), I’m screwed; And if I do the opposite, I’m equally screwed“.
This feeling of there being „no way out“ of an unbearable predicament is what caused the panic in the life of the young child that was me. With scant resources, no life experience, and insufficient support from the adults in whose care I was growing up, the panic button appeared the only option. It was the only option. There was also the sly inference that I was the source of the problem.
Today, when my Inner Child wakes up in the grip of panic (which, thankfully is a rare occurrence), I can take care of him just as I would any other four-year-old in my care. First a warm embrace, then smiling eye contact, and the space to allow the feelings they need.
Holding that space with no demands that anything be different. Then an invitation to the child to share what is going on. Again, with no expectation or attachment to outcomes. If the child wishes to share, I listen.
A dialogue my ensue (or not). If it does, it usually concludes with me (the adult Patrick) stating that, while there was nobody there in the original situation to provide the necessary sanctuary and loving attention, there is now. I am now that person. It is my responsibility to be there for the Inner Child; to provide the protection and support he needs to be able to feel safe, to deal with any feeling that may emerge when they emerge.
This is the ultimate healing process, based on the only true medicine: Unconditional love.
In the recognition that life is an echo chamber of childhood experience, I realise that „the (current) problem is never the problem“. We can learn what the moment came to teach us and move forward with a stronger sense of Self, clearer vision, and more healthy boundaries.
The primary healing does not derive from closure with the one who caused the pain. It takes place within. When we get to this point in our daily practice, we can stop chasing snakes.
