Belonging

Is there anybody out there?
Pink Floyd, `The Wall´

Being `apart from´ or `a part of´ is the choice we face each and every day, threatening to tear us apart.

This may come as a surprise to some, especially since we have all probably felt a strong yearning to belong throughout the different stages of our lives. What, then, would propel us to seemingly rebel against our deepest desires and decide to live `apart from´? The answer may lie in the survival strategies and associated patterns of behaviour which were adopted during the formative years of childhood, developed to best deal with those early difficult challenges `among the crowd´ –  in the family, at school, among peers, at work, and in society as a whole.

Looking back now with the advantage of hindsight and non-attachment, I not only take full responsibility for my response to childhood circumstances but have even developed compassion for that struggling child, as he muddled his way through.

Every child develops strategies for survival, without which we would not make it through to adulthood. In my case, the strategy also addressed the immediate avoidance of pain. My response to situations perceived as overwhelming, frustrating or even suffocating, was often one of swift withdrawal, – too frightened, inept or shy to articulate my own needs or simply taking the easier, softer way in dealing with irritations.

In growing up, we need to recognize that there is difference between ourselves and the other. This inevitably results in irritation. In order to really benefit from irritations, we need to learn to endure them. If we fail to learn not to bale out before the lessons are learned, we forego the benefits both in terms of emotional maturity and social accomplishments.

If not counter-balanced by learning the skills of handling ambivalence, discomfort, and irritations, the survival strategies may become solipsistic, taking us on a route towards loneliness and chronic isolation by way of following the mantra of `wanting it all and wanting it now´. The price of being stuck in yesterday´s solutions while we address today´s challenges can, indeed, be very high.

The ego is a trickster. Without it, we would not have survived the first half of our lives. As we grow, it grows; helping us in building a sense of self, accumulating life skills and carving out our place in the world. At some point however, it needs to be integrated into something greater; a sense of Self – tempered by a consciousness of the Source, the needs of others and our innate need for interdependence, within the family, the community, society as a whole and, indeed, all of creation.

Unchecked, ego will self-inflate, taking us to extreme stances, such as that of `Captain of the Universe´, where everything revolves around us and is perceived as existing only in the service of, or an attack upon, our immediate gratification. In the mistaken belief that there is not enough to go around, we become `takers´, attempting to quench an unquenchable thirst, if necessary, at the expense of others. Having reached the sweet spot of being at the centre of things, it cunningly applies the strategy of `No Change´ to uphold the status quo, sabotaging every effort to move beyond itself to higher levels of consciousness. Common resources drawn upon here are shame, guilt, entitlement, resentment, fear, anger, resignation, despondency, and so-called `terminal uniqueness´.

The ego needs to underscore its `different-ness´ to such an extent that it will have us shift our focus from what we have in common with others, to what differentiates us; more beautiful, less intelligent, more popular, less fortunate, wealthier, poorer, etc. It is interesting to observe that it is the perceived differences, not primarily their nature, which are of highest importance. The more confused among us end up holding on to contradictory beliefs at one and the same time! If we want to remain miserable, all we need do is compare ourselves to others all of the time.

The irony of ego-centricity is that, while its aim is validation and securing our place in the social hierarchy – belonging – , it ultimately leads us into the isolation and loneliness which represents the exact opposite of that for which we deeply yearn. From the seemingly innocuous impression that our workmates across the room are whispering about us when we walk into the room, to the conviction that the social welfare regulations were drawn up in such a manner as to specifically humiliate us, the perceived constant antagonistic attention of the world, the culmination of which is paranoia, is the price we pay for being at the centre of the universe. In this state of `terminal uniqueness´ we are headed for perdition.

The ultimate price is paid by addicts, who refuse to acknowledge that the Laws of the Universe apply to all equally, even to them, and convince themselves that the next bender or binge will somehow be different to those which have gone before. Thus, the dynamic of active addiction spirals out of control to its sorry conclusion. As Russel Brand has pointed out with respect to applying a conscious programme for recovery, such as that offered by the Twelve Steps; `It is not a question of working a programme or not working a programme but rather of working a conscious programme consciously or being worked (i.e. propelled through life) by an unconscious programme´, i.e. those originally developed survival strategies´.

The unfolding of the journey is by no means linear. A leading contemporary German mystic and psychotherapist, Willigis Jäger, recounts an incident where he was invited to address an audience of therapists in Munich in the 1980s. His talk had covered the need for liberation from the bondage of ego, through spiritualty in action. After the talk, he was accosted by a young lady, a psychotherapist, who had recently started her practice. `How can you say that the ultimate goal is to liberate ourselves from the bondage of ego´ she asked, `when most of the clients I see have such weak egos that it takes intensive work just to get them to a point where they can stand up for themselves?´ `I understand´, he answered gently. `You see, it takes a strong ego to be able to let go of the ego,´ was his reply.

The wonderful Irish philosopher John O’Donohue, wrote beautifully about the relationship between `longing and belonging´. Paradoxically, the longing for liberation from the stifling familiar sometimes takes us on a journey of departure, alienation, trials, accomplishments, return and reintegration in our initial setting, newly-equipped with an appreciation of Grace, practical experience, and a state of consciousness which can then be used to help others on their similar respective journeys.

On complaining one time at a men’s workshop that `there was no place for me in this world´ the wise teacher told me that whenever he felt this combination of weltschmerz and alienation, he examined if there were any ways in which he was withholding himself from the world, the group, the family, etc. Inevitably, he found that he was holding something back, whether through fear or resentment, and when he had transformed and transcended the cause within himself, he found his way back into the flow of life with an even more deeply-felt, gratifying sense of belonging. This approach has helped me on numerous occasions since.

In my efforts to become liberated from the bondage of ego, – going out into the world to drain all I could get in order to fill the hole in the soul, – I have adopted, one day at a time, the conscious spiritual programme of action of the Twelve Steps, which is a programme of recovery from the addictive dynamic. A number of simple rituals help me in this on a daily basis. For example, I have placed a set of chimes in the hall just inside the front door of my home. Whenever I go out, I gather myself briefly and decide whether I’m going out into the world to give or to take. These have become the chimes of longing and belonging.

Schreibe einen Kommentar

Deine E-Mail-Adresse wird nicht veröffentlicht. Erforderliche Felder sind mit * markiert

Get The Latest Updates

Subscribe To My Weekly Reflections

You will only get notifications about the latest edition of my Weekly Reflections. You can unsubscribe at any time. 

This Weeks Reflections

More Weekly Reflections

Health

Daring To Love

Without uncovering, subsequently befriending, and tending this wound – the Greek word is trauma – we will be hampered in all subsequent efforts to establish intimacy in human relations. Because when we open our hearts completely, we are stepping into the unknown and giving another person access to the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. There is always a chance of getting hurt, rejected, ridiculed, humiliated, of being misunderstood, or abandoned, once again…

Read More »
Community

Compassion

One further point is important in this respect. This is the danger of premature or simply rational forgiveness. This is `pseudo forgiveness´, a form of spiritual bypassing. It occurs when we return to the past, to attend inner wounds, this time not shielded by intoxication but by our still intact invulnerability. We thus protect ourselves from truly remembering and re-feeling the original pain. Instead of healing the old wounds, this approach simply masks them, thereby exacting a high price.

Read More »
Business Performance

Coaching

As a coach, I can ask myself how my saboteurs prevent me from being a true coach and cause me to tell, direct, or advise in many situations where coaching would be more beneficial and effective. It is also true that when the coach is caught up in Saboteur energies, these will spill over to the client, with detrimental effect. This is called saboteur contagion. Sage contagion is the preferable option…

Read More »

Book your free appointment now!

Wird geladen ...
Translate »