I’m a frayed knot.
Patrick Little, Word Play
As long as we are afraid of dying, we will always be afraid of living.
Edith Eger
The cave we fear to enter holds the treasures that we seek.
Joseph Campbell
The phone rang just as I was coming to the end of my silent hour, my morning meditation.
It was a fellow member of the Twelve Step Recovery community, seeking guidance on how to deal with the severe attacks of fearfulness he was just experiencing. „How do you go about handling such situations,“ he asked.
I took a few deep breaths in a moment of introspection before answering.
„For me it is an issue of safety.“
„How do you mean?“
„Well, it has become clear to me in recent years that I often felt unsafe, even threatened, right from the early years of childhood, up to leaving home at the age of eighteen and beyond.“
„What do you mean by unsafe?“
„Well, some kind of existential threat, fear of obliteration, fear of physical violence, fear of being sent to hell by that punitive God that was being continually served up at home, in school, and at church. You know, the old man with the deep voice, long beard, and a staff in his hand….“
„So, what does that have to do with my topic?“
„Well, you asked how I deal with fear, anxiety, or even panic attacks now in my adult life. This is what I can tell you.“
„Since embarking on an inner journey to confront, embrace, and transcend the wounds incurred in early childhood, I have had countless discussions with others in recovery or on the threshold of such an approach. The hallmark question that has emerged from these interactions is: „How safe did you feel while growing up?“
„To my genuine surprise, an overwhelming majority of people answered that they often didn’t feel safe, and then went on to describe aspects of a nebulous state of distress which comprised one or more of the following: danger, risk, peril, threat, hazard, jeopardy, trouble, distress, chaos, unpredictability, instability, vulnerability, violability, etc. „
„Others described the tension and stress of having to walk on eggshells, the fear of silence as the precursor to violent outbursts, and the belief that they were a burden to their family, that „everyone and everything would be better off if I were no longer alive“.“
It is not that these threatening states were experienced once-off or only sporadically, but rather that the atmosphere at home was infused with such energies of imperilment on an on-going basis. There was never a let-up, a true feeling of relaxation, peace, calm, refuge, or ease and comfort. Rather, any moments of calm were perceived as a ceasefire at best, a lull in hostilities, a harbinger of yet more peril about to unfold.
So, it would appear that „safety“ in the broadest sense, is both a byproduct of recovery and a key ingredient in facilitating recovery.
This is why „safe spaces“ are so important as we journey along. Our own private spaces where we can pray, meditate, contemplate, or simply sit in silence. The spot on the riverside where we can fuse with the endless movement of the water and know that we truly belong. The studio where we can paint, read, or make music. The garden in which we can submerge ourselves in the state of „flow“.
Also, the group settings, such as Twelve Step meetings, where we know we can simply be ourselves, where we are welcome just for our being, rather than judged – for our having, not having, doing, not doing, for our imperfections. This is my understanding of the concept of „Unity“ in the Twelve Step context. It is one side of the triangle of healing, the others being „Recovery“ and „Service“.
Unity, Recovery, and Service.
Unity is often misunderstood as bondage of uniformity, i.e., the ideology that there is only one way of doing this and we all need to submit ourselves to a rigid concept.
I see unity as a recognition and embracing of what Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham called the „Spirituality of Imperfection“.
In their book of the same name, they describe a way of living that embraces human limitation, blemish, and vulnerability as the path to finding meaning and spiritual growth.
This stance rejects the pursuit of perfection, advocating instead for humility, humour, and acceptance of the: „I’m Not All-Right, and You’re Not All-Right, AND That’s OK“ philosophy.
When we meet in this energy, we experience unity. In other quarters it is referred to as „kinship“.
It is, in the words of the groundbreaking German psychoanalyst Karin Horney, a horizontal (non-hierarchal) relationship as opposed to the conventional vertical (hierarchical) relationship as usually found in the medical-industrial complex that has displaced the ancient natural medicinal approach in most cultures.
Guess which type of relationship is more effective!
By embracing reality, we see through and transcend denial and delusion, those attributes which have kept us in bondage to addictive dynamics for the best part of our lives. This „down to earth“ spirituality recognises human beings as being inherently fallible, wounded, and imperfect, encouraging acceptance of self, each other, and, indeed, of life itself, as imperfectly perfect.
The path of humility is the manifestation of honesty as opposed to the grandiose unreality of denial. It emphasises that realising and embracing our limitations is the foundation of wisdom, fosters connection and reduces the obsession with being „right“. We recognise that life cannot be managed but rather beckons us as navigators.
We quit „playing God“.
The paradox of wholeness emphasises that we are neither everything nor nothing, but rather both. We are not in a position to dictate the weather, and we can learn to surf the waves created by any storm.
Letting go of control rejects the idea that humans can be perfect, suggesting that such attempts are tragically mistaken. They ignore our need for connection with Self, others, and a power beyond self will.
Often highlighting the wisdom of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and other traditions, the „Spirituality of Imperfection“ lauds storytelling, questioning the face value of all phenomena, and choosing humour over rigid dogma.
Yet, despite these clear insights, we continue to experience renewed hijacking episodes of fear and anxiety. Obviously, the insights, in themselves, are not sufficient to avert them. Why is this and what is required to achieve peace of mind?
My discovery is that there is an almost imperceptible „hum“ of danger in my energy field, a leftover from childhood.
When we look at various forms of „Ancestral Intelligence“ (AI) such as Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and Ayurveda, and explore more recent discoveries in neuroscience and somatics (Polyvagal Theory, Kinesiology, RET (Rational emotive behaviour therapy), etc. we could easily conclude: „How could it be otherwise?“
Until we do the inner work of identifying, addressing, undoing, and overriding the default programming of our autonomic nervous system and the mostly unconscious, incessant traffic on our neural networks („stinking thinking“), we will always revert to the old patterns of perceiving and reacting to the world (the „Old Ideas“ referred to in Chapter 5 of the Big Book of AA), especially when we are subject to stress, whatever its cause (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, etc.).
My discovery in this rich tapestry of recovery is that I need to remind myself – on a daily basis (at the very least) – that „I am safe here and now, that I love and accept myself just as I am, in this life – just as it is.“
This is done in the context of the daily practice of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) Tapping, a stress relief and emotional regulation technique that combines acupressure on specific body points with focused mental attention and affirmations.
What does an EFT Tapping session look like?
First we identify a specific issue causing stress, anxiety, or discomfort, i.e. the felt-sense of danger. Then we rate the intensity of the emotion on a scale from 1 to 10. Next we create a setup phrase acknowledging the problem and accepting ourselves unconditionally despite being challenged.
An example of such a phrase would be: „Each time that felt sense of fear comes up, I take a deep breath, bathe in the golden inner light, know I am safe here and now – right now – and love and accept myself, just as I am.“
That phrase can be repeated three times as we tap the outer edge of the left hand, held upright, using the three middle fingers of the right hand.
Then the tapping of the various points throughout the body begins. With the tips of the three middle fingers of each hand, we begin to go through a series of tapping points (beginning with the crown chakra, down along the face and torso, then tapping the inner cups of each of the finger nails of the left hand, etc.
Examples of the technique are to be found on YouTube. I recommend the presentations involving Wayne Dyer, one of the great recovery teachers of the 20th century.
As we tap these points, we repeat just the one focus word, in this case „fear“.
At the end of the tapping session (in my case, three full rounds) we can reassess the intensity of the emotion to track our progress.
Like many such modalities, it is not fully clear how this works. Clinical research demonstrates that it does indeed work very well, in that – over time – we become more relaxed, less likely to be driven by our fear-fuelled Saboteurs, less reactive and more response-able.
It appears that he tapping sends calming signals to the brain, reduces the stress reactivity to the countless stimuli we pick up from moment to moment, and promotes, in its stead, a mode of conscious, considered response. Balance is restored to the body’s energy system.
The meridians tapped correspond to the energy pathways described in TCM, which may also influence the nervous system and brain activity. Many of you will be familiar with these points from acupuncture, which has become accepted in western medicine systems as a legitimate and effective healing modality.
So, in short, I invest about fifteen minutes each morning, and more time – as needed throughout the day – to remind myself that the humming is simply just that. Humming. It is not a real danger. David Richo describes this beautifully as „the wake of a ship long since passed.“
I reassure myself that I am safe here and now – right now – and can decide the next steps from this place of safety.
Relinquishing the illusion of control and daily EFT Tapping have become key ingredients in handling the issue of fear in my life today.
