Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating.
Bill Wilson, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (1952)
Out of this capacity to experience a „gap“ between self and world, between stimulus and response, man has developed his capacity to use symbols, to reason, and to speak in language. These are the unique ways in which mind expresses itself. Indeed, I would define mental health as the capacity to be aware of the gap between stimulus and response, together with the capacity to use this gap constructively.
Rollo May, „Behavioural Science and Guidance: Proposals and Perspectives“ (1963).
Man has the capacity for pause between stimulus and response — he may choose among alternatives in responding. This is the taproot of individual freedom.
C. Harold McCully (1967)
You may believe that you are responsible for what you do, but not for what you think. The truth is that you are responsible for what you think, because it is only at this level that you can exercise choice. What you do comes from what you think.
Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love (1992)
Stephen Covey was an extremely influential motivational coach and author in corporate business circles towards the end of the last century. His ideas were enthusiastically embraced by business leaders around the globe and propagated in countless leadership development programmes, to some of which I was also party.
In his „Seven Habits of Highly Effective People“, Covey attributes a quote to Viktor Frankl as follows: „Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.“
Covey used this quote to emphasise the importance of the choices we make in response to life’s challenges.
While researchers have been unable to find this passage in the works of Viktor E. Frankl, the attribution has stuck, perhaps because the message is so well aligned with Frank’s life work on our responsibility to choose how we respond to life, – indeed on our responsibility not to wait until purpose reveals itself, but to give our life the purpose it deserves.
My general observations lead me to conclude that we are either in autopilot and react in line with the coping mechanisms and survival strategies we developed before our fourth birthday (approximately) or, having developed sufficient awareness, mindfulness, and mental fitness, we learn to pause before responding to whatever stimuli cross our paths in a conscious, loving manner – beneficial to the healing, growth, and joy of all concerned.
The term „autopilot“ may be considered charitable. Some would call it „sleepwalking through life“ (Dr Allen Berger) or even refer to a „Zombie“ existence. And of course, this is not an all-or-nothing phenomenon.
Each of us moves back and forth along a continuum of vitality and mindfulness as we go through each day, our position depending on our relative state of Mental Fitness and the stress we generate for ourselves by taking up a stance of resistance to „what is“.
When I reflect on my early years of alcoholic drinking and addictive consumption of a profusion of other drugs, it is easy to detect that „sleepwalking“ is generally not a matter of morality, but rather an issue of awareness, or the lack thereof, – in plain language: „denial“ can keep us blind to the truth.
During those twenty-six years (between the age of sixteen and forty-two) I certainly never had a „drinking problem“ and was quick to tell anyone courageous enough to confront me in such terms to „mind their own bloody business“.
In fact, when I came into recovery in 2003, I was the only „good guy“ left. My troubles all stemmed from the unfair hand dealt to me by life, a rigid boss, a wife incapable of understanding me, the cruelty of God and the Catholic church, and a social system stacked against creative, freedom-loving creatures like me, etc., etc.
I was wont to point to the fact that I was „functioning“ well with a good career, more than enough money to support my family, a growing reputation as an able corporate executive, and an all-round „good guy“.
And all the while, deep down inside, I was dying on the vine…..
It was only in recovery, after the addictive dynamic had been arrested – with the loving support of other recovering alcoholics and addicts – that I realised that my life up to then had been dictated by the reflexes and reactive patterns of a helpless and immature young boy. I was frightened, hyper-vigilant, immune to criticism, and always needed to be right.
In other words: there was no „gap“ between stimulus and response.
How could there have been? I had never been taught this, nor had any adult modelled this behaviour during my chaotic, overwhelming childhood. The loving parents who raised me couldn’t teach me to identify, utilise, and cultivate this „gap“, because they couldn’t. They had been raised, presumably, by people of a similarly depauperate level of mental fitness and emotional sobriety.
Whatever the exact source of the words popularised by Stephen Covey, he had stated that he read the passage in a book while he was on sabbatical in Hawaii in the 1950’s, which may have been an article by the influential psychologist Rollo May.
An intriguing thematic precursor to the „gap“ appeared in the 1917 book „The Use of Motives in Teaching Morals and Religion“ by Thomas Walton Galloway, in which Galloway argues the following:
„Personality has three main parts:
- The receiving portion (receptors) that looks out on stimuli (attention and appreciation are its great functions)
- A responding side (effectors) that looks toward behaviour or response, and
- That which lies between stimulus and response whose function is to correlate and adjust behaviour to stimulus.“
This third region is where our true personal values lie, the place where we can grow the most. Whether through study, inspiration, or intuition; Bill Wilson was well aware of the importance of this three-step neural process.
In his 1952 book „Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions“ he wrote: „When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one wilful snap judgement can ruin our relationship with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year.
Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. They are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness.
Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.“
The implications for recovery, healing, personal growth, Mental Fitness, and Emotional Sobriety are immense.
Elsewhere in his writings, Wilson identified four main daemons of the human condition. Labelling them the „Four Horsemen“, he listed them as: – Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, and Despair. These were all very familiar to me as a child growing up with my parents and nine siblings in the Ireland of the sixties and seventies.
Wilson’s insights highlight the significance of taking responsibility for our responses to life’s challenges. By consciously choosing our reactions, we can foster personal growth, resilience, and emotional intelligence. This perspective encourages individuals to reflect on their choices and recognise the power they hold in shaping their experiences and responses to adversity.
Here it is interesting to note that the new medical speak for addiction is „Impulse Control Disorder“. This may help the professionals working in the field to maintain their denial about their own addictive dynamics ( for, who is completely free?) by creating a hierarchy between the „disordered“ patient and the „ordered“ doctor or therapist.
In recent years I have begun a daily Mental Fitness practice called Positive Intelligence®️ (PQ), a modality which has been developed over the past ten years or so, based on the combination of the latest findings from neuroscience, developmental psychology, motivational psychology, and clinical research.
Shirzad Chamine, Positive Intelligence founder, executive coaching veteran and Stanford lecturer, has tested the effectiveness of the concept with the help of more than one million participants from over 30 countries. The concepts of PQ are summarised in his 2012 New York Times bestseller „Positive Intelligence“.
PQ is measured in terms of the ratio between positive and negative emotions on a typical day. If we have 3 positive emotions for every negative emotion, that results in a PQ Quotient of 75. This is the baseline threshold for Mental Fitness. Those below this level need to train more. Those above still have much room for improvement. Life-long practice is required to remain fit, as is the case with physical fitness.
Mental Fitness has a direct influence on how stress-resistant we are and how much, or how little, of our real potential we manifest in our professional activities, relationships, families, creative pursuits, and private lives. We are less vulnerable to getting hijacked by our impulses and, when it does happen, get back into balance more quickly (heightened resilience)
Thankfully, we can still significantly improve our PQ at any stage of life. We achieve this in three simple steps:
1. Identify and intercept our mental „Saboteurs“ (receptors)
2. Train our so-called „Sage Powers“ in a targeted manner (effectors), and
3. Develop and maintain our ability to rapidly switch from Saboteur to Sage (correlate and adjust)
The PQ approach has the added value of feeding us short body-awareness exercises throughout each day. This is done through the PQ App, an easy-to-use and well thought out tool. It is this practice of regulation of the autonomic nervous system which enables us to utilise the „gap“ to switch from „Saboteur“ to „Sage“.
The critical aspect here is that any transformation process, in order to succeed in the long term, is made up of 20% insights and 80% practice. When I think back to those inspiring Stephen Covey seminars and the like, what we found was that everyone initially went back to the workplace (home, family, etc.) all fired up with those wonderful insights.
Again and again, this turned out to be a flash in the pan, however, due to the absence of an accessible, enjoyable, and regular daily practice. The enthusiasm and motivation fizzled out in a matter of weeks, leaving us even more despondent and ineffective than before.
PQ addresses this point in the design and content of the PQ App. I have been engaged in a daily practice for over four years now and feel the benefit for myself and those around me. As with physical fitness, when I let up in my practice, I quickly deteriorate to lower levels of strength, stamina, and fitness.
The Twelve Step programme is also a „Programme of Action“, but we generally need the help of an experienced and skilful sponsor to extract the daily practice for the AA literature. I have had the good luck and privilege of having such sponsors over the years but may find myself in a minority in this respect.
For me, the combination of the Twelve Steps, PQ, professional medical/therapeutic support (body work, trauma therapy, regulation techniques, etc.) and self care elements such as regular physical exercise, nutritious food, creativity, music, dance, uplifting relationships, etc. is the most fertile ground for recovery.
In summary, the concept of the „gap“ and its cultivation in everyday life serves as a profound reminder of our capacity for choice and the importance of pausing to consider our responses. It underscores the idea that within the space between stimulus and response lies the potential for growth, freedom, mental fitness, emotional sobriety, and a more purpose-driven, meaningful life.
