When you find an addiction, do not be ashamed. Be joyful! You have found something that you have come to this earth to heal. When you confront and heal an addiction you are doing the deepest spiritual work that you can do on this earth.
Gary Zukav
Most people are not taking drugs for the reasons that we think. It’s not about indulgence and pleasure seeking or even a method to escape life in general as much as it is about avoiding the pain and distress of dysregulation.
Dr Bruce Perry
The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it’s connection.
Johann Hari, Chasing the Scream
Spirituality is recognising and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practising spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose to our lives.
Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
At a recent AA meeting, sentiments were shared which resonated deeply with me. They were those of an engaged and intelligent man who has been in recovery for three or four years, a bright spark who brings energy and enthusiasm into everything he does in recovery.
`I was walking through town on a recent balmy evening´, he said, `observing all the young folks eating outside the pubs and restaurants, and I felt so excluded´. As tears began to well up in his eyes, he continued: `I began to feel such rage that I have been afflicted by this disease (alcoholism), which means I can never join in the normal fun which is so much a part of our culture. I wondered if life could ever again be worthwhile….´
These words resonated with me on more than one level. Twenty years ago, when I quit drinking, my initial primary concern was also that my fate was going to be that of a social outcast. Having drunk alcoholically for twenty-five years, I had hit bottom in my early forties and chosen a new life without alcohol and other mood-altering substances.
Emotionally and spiritually, I felt like a numbed, empty shell, with much of my effort going into putting up a good front and simply going through the motions of functioning in my day-to-day activities, at home, at work, in society. Due to my double life, it was becoming increasingly difficult to look in the mirror at the start of each new day.
It was clear that a decision had to be made; to continue to descend the spiral of `suicide by instalments´ or to grasp the bull of addiction by the horns and consciously choose a radically different life, one that was in full affirmation of this incarnation, no matter how painful or confusing that would turn out to be.
Thankfully, I chose the latter, and, though life has not been a bed of roses since, I am grateful for the fact that addiction has propelled me to confront my demons and discover a deeper purpose to my life.
Feeling deeper into my inner response to what was shared at that recent AA meeting, I detected a more profound layer of meaning related to a phenomenon many of us in recovery appear to share. It is the experience of feeling excluded, intense loneliness, of being lost and betrayed.
While this is generally exacerbated as a consequence of acting out our addictive impulses, either substance or process-related, it appears to have been integral to our childhood experience long before we ever touched that first drink or began to habitually zone out of reality (daydreaming was one of my first techniques for this). It seems to have been so from the very earliest of our days.
As young children, we all require a certain degree of reciprocal social feedback to remain engaged and to grow our capacity for connection. In terms of the earliest experience of my own Inner Child, the little boy’s working model of the world became `I don’t matter´. This messaging was picked up in my family of origin, a family which, though shaped by loving intent, was characterised by extreme levels of stress.
This belief, that `I don’t matter´ when later projected into the classroom, for example, became a self-fulfilling prophecy. What we believe is generally what we get. We invite from the world what we project into the world.
What we project is based upon what happened to us as children. In the first 30 months of my life, this little boy may not have had his basic needs met, because, for example, mother was overwhelmed, alone, exhausted, or depressed and father was absent, too busy with providing for the family to be present.
The capacity of the parents to be present, attentive, attuned, and responsive, was impaired to such an extent at that time that this little boy found himself predominately in a state outside balance. When not in a state of ease we experience dis-ease.
Just as we have homeostasis in the physical realm, there exists a state of `ease and comfort´ in the emotional, and a sense of being `connected to the Source of Infinite Abundance´ in the spiritual. Where this balance is disturbed, we are out of kilter. We become dysregulated.
Emotional dysregulation is an inability to control or regulate one’s emotional responses. Instead, we get caught up in emotional reactivity which can lead to rapid mood swings, significant changes in range of mood, and sensitised, which is mistakenly referred to as being `over-sensitive´ or `thin-skinned´.
This can involve many emotions, including sadness, grief, anger, rage, irritability, and frustration.
While dysregulation is typically thought of as a childhood problem (as in tantrums) that usually resolves itself as a child learns proper emotional regulation skills and strategies, dysregulation may, in the absence of appropriate care-giving, continue into adulthood.
Thus, emotional dysregulation can lead to a lifetime of struggles, including problems with interpersonal relationships, school performance, and the inability to function effectively in a job or at work.
Dysregulation can become so unmanageable and unbearable that we will do anything to achieve alleviation. One possibility is switching off. Other terms used to describe this pattern are `zoning out´ or `self-numbing´. We become sundered.
The disconnection manifests both inwardly and in relation to the outside world. We become disconnected from self.
If this pattern of (lack of appropriate) care develops into outright neglect, the child, as in my case, finds himself living with constant distress, out of balance. Neglect occurs when the fundamental needs are not sufficiently met for longer periods of time or our cries for help go unheard or, indeed, are met with an angry or punitive reaction. Stress activation and the resulting dysregulation become the central dynamic for daily survival. Stress becomes the dominant pattern in both our waking and our sleeping hours.
In situations where the parenting is consistent, predictable, and nurturing, the stress response systems become resilient. They grow in proportion to our overall development and needs. A healthy sense of self emerges.
If, due to neglect, abandonment, or abuse, the stress response systems are activated for prolonged periods of time or in chaotic ways under tumultuous circumstances, they become sensitised and dysfunctional. The resulting dysregulation is so unbearable that we will seek solace in ways of escaping reality, even the reality of our True Self.
Though beyond our conscious awareness, we are continually sensing and processing information from the outside world. Based upon this input, our brain and body respond in ways that help keep us connected, alive, and thriving. When we are pushed out of equilibrium, out of balance, we have a set of stress response systems that will be activated to help us survive.
These are referred to as: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn (people pleasing).
This set of arousal responses is not the only way we can respond to a threat. Imagine a situation where you’re too small to win a fight and incapable of running away. In this case, the brain and the rest of the body prepare for injury. Heart rate decreases. The body releases its own painkiller opioids. We disengage from the external world and psychologically flee to our inner world. This is another adaptive capability called dissociation.
Time seems to slow. You may feel like you’re watching things happen to you in a movie. For babies and young children, dissociation is a very common adaptive strategy. Where fighting or fleeing won’t protect you, disappearing might.
Dissociation is per se not problematic. In fact, a certain amount of dissociation is present in the state we refer to as `in flow´, when we garden, paint a picture, or engage in a drum circle. Dissociation becomes problematic when engaged upon frequently in a problematic environment over longer periods.
If you grew up in a household or community characterised by unpredictability, chaos, and ongoing threat, you will very likely end up with an altered stress response system. This is especially true if the abuse, chaos, or exposure to violence took place in the home and the very adults who were supposed to be nurturing and protecting you were the source of the pain, chaos, fear, or abuse.
This is where the aspect of betrayal comes in. The young child is so heavily dependent on the caregiver(s) that it would be unbearable to admit that they are the source of the pain, chaos, fear, or abuse. The child will, therefore, find a more bearable plausible explanation: I am not worthy. Not worthy of the loving-kindness, affection, attention, and acknowledgement I so deeply yearn.
The state of disconnection now appears to be complete. It will take some form of disruption to propel us to re-appraise these belief systems which we formed in a childhood marked by adversity. It could be a bereavement, an accident, some major setback, or the confrontation with the effects of addiction.
Such circumstances can turn out to be a blessing if we can learn to disrobe our psyche of the illusions and lies which were necessary elements of the coping strategies we established to get us through childhood.
The process of self-actualisation is a spiritual process. It entails the recovery of the sense of True Self, with which we are born.
With appropriate support, we can learn to reconnect with the Inner Child and begin a process of providing her with that which she missed in the original parenting process. This re-parenting may become a regular practice for life.
As our sense of True Self is revived, we gradually feel our inner connection to the Source of Infinite Abundance. As we get to know ourselves better, we learn to recognise and celebrate that we are all inextricably connected to each other in a powerful energy field greater than the sum of its parts, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.
Intense loneliness, alienation, and the sense of banishment then gradually abate, to be replaced by a true sense of purpose, belonging, and connection.
