Suicide
Not a year goes by now, without news of someone from my wider circle of friends or acquaintances struggling with life to the degree that they would consider what looks like an escape hatch, an easier softer way. Or indeed, the sad consummation of such plans. Every time this happens, I am devastated. The devastation comes from the mere inkling of the suffering the protagonist must have been going through when the decision was made and carried out. Such incidences also point clearly to our own vulnerability. If she or he could be pushed that far, could we be next?
Loyalty
The outward focus on people, places, and things – as the presumptive wellspring of the love and sense of belonging we so strongly yearn – this erroneous attitude is a major cause of subsequent suffering in later life. The process of recovery is primarily a process of inner work on self. We do not recover to change our parents, our partners, or the world. We recover to grow in awareness. We recover to develop a new pair of glasses through which we view the world more objectively. And we recover to establish and practice new behaviours. In short, we do the work of recovery that we might be changed…
Family System
In doing this work, we cannot dodge the old wounds and thus re-feeling the original pain. That is the difficult part. In exploring my family dynamics, it is important to acknowledge the loving kindness that pervaded my family of origin, in conjunction with the systemic dysfunction described below. Many precious gifts were created and shared through this kindness. Wounds are part and parcel of the human experience. It was not for lack of kindness that wounds were inflicted. It was, rather, lack of awareness…
Cowardly Lion
When I apply this approach, it quickly becomes clear that the accusation of cowardice is false. There have been many occasions and situations in life where great courage on my part had been the essential factor in pulling through. For any teenager to accompany his terminally ill father in his final journey takes courage. Getting out of town – in my case emigrating at the age of 19 – takes courage. It takes courage to ask for help, to do the work of recovery. It takes courage to set healthy boundaries. It takes courage to follow one’s bliss. It takes courage to share such insights as those found in my writings..
Rheostat
This brings me to the rheostat. On emerging into adulthood, mine seemed to be missing. In recovery, we address such issues. Once we abstain from the cruder forms of emotional self-medication, we can begin to learn to self-regulate. My early years were undoubtedly overshadowed by what led to the panic attacks described above. Therapists have suggested it might have been a traumatic experience, physical, emotional, or spiritual, in my early years. The honest answer is that there is still no clear answer…
Refraining
Deeper layers of motivation emerged from my shadow. It was clear to me how, since childhood, many adult interactions had been governed by the righteous, justified anger hidden in my shadow. Once revealed, this too can be consciously relinquished (rather than repressed). This is a good example of the ongoing work of spiritual fitness, as defined in both the Twelve Steps and PQ…
God
Basic elements of reality which we, through our culture, collectively attempt to deny include the facts that we are all going to die, that everything is impermanent, that we have no control over much of what occurs in life, and that there is, beyond what we recognise we do not know, a vast amount of knowledge of which we are not aware that we do not know. We are blind to our own blind spots…
Mercy
This experience was very much influenced by the prevailing image of a punitive God, all rules, and no mercy. I imagined the delinquent (me) kneeling before a fierce figure of authority (God) pleading for mercy in the hope of averting the worst degree of punishment (eternal damnation in hell), which was of course deserved, in the light of my unworthiness and the scourge of Original Sin. If this sounds dramatic, it was. Remember, these signals were being picked up by the ears, heart, and imagination of a very young child.
Discovery
As we learn later in life, happiness cannot ever be attained. Happiness is a by-product of being who we truly are and embracing what happens. The more we strive for it, the further it slips from our grasp. This increases our frustration, and we simply try harder by applying more effort. Now we find ourselves in a self-perpetuating vicious cycle. The fact that a further eight billion people are all playing the same game, exacerbates things…
Control
The whole concept of control is an illusion. Yet we keep this truth under wraps for long stretches of our lives as we move forward in autopilot. Only when we experience setbacks, – a loved one dies, a partner leaves us, our career plans crash, a book manuscript is rejected, an illness or accident knocks on the door, or we find ourselves in the grip of an addictive dynamic we cannot escape, etc. – are we summarily awakened to the reality of the unmanageability of life…
